Dear Diary: 4 Month Update

Dear Diary….

I have survived four whole months in captivity… not including that previous 9 months. My living quarters have definitely expanded, but the chaos that ensues out here daily is ridiculous.

This has been a big month for me, so here’s the recap….

My mom never stops with this stupid camera.

Let’s just get the ugly out of the way… my dad is a University of Florida fan. My mom is a Florida State fan and a University of South Florida graduate. I think we all see where this is going…. My dad bought me a small collection of UF outfits and my mom lets me wear them for big game days for only a few minutes as seen here:

I know, I have no idea why I’m wearing this either…

NOTE: Come November I’ll be in FSU gear. NO NEGOTIATIONS. GO NOLES!

In other news, my mom is going back to work for a few days before she officially accepts the position as my full time servant, so she’s going to be documenting her transition from boob to bottle… or rather MY transition from boob to bottle. I bet she regrets that decision. Stay tuned….

I’m not mad about the copious amounts of lactation cookies she’s flavoring my milk with…

One of the cool things I’ve done this month is learning to roll over. I hate tummy time, so I’m one of the few who learned to roll back to front. Mom and dad discovered this at midnight the other night when I rolled myself over in my sleep. Listening to them panic, debate on rolling me over and finally googling if it was safe to leave me face down was entertaining. They were both up and down all night long making sure they could see me breathing.

I’ve also started eating real food. Thank God. The breastmilk I’m getting is 3/4’s Pepsi and the rest is just her tears of pain and suffering. So far I’ve had rice cereal, rice cereal mixed with pears, bananas, and apples, and green beans – sort of. If you’ve ever seen my mom feed a baby, about half of it actually makes it in my mouth. I’m really better off feeding myself. I’m starting carrots tonight. Wish me luck.

Why Lord… Why me?

This month also consisted of about a million trips to Walmart because well, we live in the woods and it’s this or Dollar General…

One trip in particular I had been very quiet, so if you know my mom, she just has to ruin it by saying something… so she says “Did you just poop your pants?” I gave her this angelic face….

Just wait, it gets better….

So…. ten minutes later when she figures it out…. here I am in the bathroom in my birthday suit…

Note: Still. Wearing. A. Bow.

An outfit change and some clean panties later… She thinks I’m going back in the restraint chair…. I think not.

I feel like I should mention here that I’ve found my voice, and I love the way it echoes for aisles and aisles in Walmart…


I can’t let her make it out of Walmart without one good nipple exposure…. Here’s the hot mess that is my mother in the checkout line, in my 75 year old disabled grandmother’s walker… NURSING.

Nursing bra hanging out and everything…

I bet she never asks me if I’ve pooped my pants again!

If you want to read the story about how she left me asleep in her king size bed to chase the dog down the street in her underwear earlier this week, those shenanigans and more can be found here:




Dear Diary: 9-25-2019 4 mos

Dear Diary:

Me and my pal Mila (a/k/a Mila Kunis)

Here’s a sneak peak at my Wednesday morning workout routine. 🏋️‍♀️👍🏻

Being outside and staying active are my favorite things, and I like to alternate between jumping in my #fisherprice #rainforestjumperoo and forcing my parents to walk endless miles around the yard while wearing me in my carrier. 🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏻‍♂️

Hey, my parents are old, so I gotta do my part to help with things like cardiac health, weight gain, and regular bowel movements. 👴🏼👵🏻 🚽

I’m basically a pro at that last one… see my previous posts… 🤷🏻‍♀️ #noshame .

My parents are thrilled about our family workouts – especially when it’s midnight, on a workday. 😉👌🏻

#sincerelycharliejoy #stayfit #revengebody #diaperblowout #babyworkout #wednesday #humpdayhumor #charliejoy #callsigncharlie

Moms Notes:

Today my tiny little baby is 4 months old, or 17 weeks. I’m not really sure how that’s possible. It seems like yesterday this was us:

Me, my SO and my amazing Doc

I thought I’d snap a quick photo with my munchkin before we took a walk outside. It’s started to cool off just a little bit here in Central Florida and Charlie loves being outside and seeing the animals. Luckily the last week or so I’ve been able to do that for longer than 3 and half minutes without having a heat stroke. However, I breastfeed so… Anytime I try to take a picture laying next to her, I get this….

Every. Single. Time.

I am more than just my boobs. I’ve never been able to say that in my life, I just want to get in all the boob related humor I can while I still have them.

After this failed attempt at making a memory we can look back on fondly, I gave up and opted to go outside for fresh air. I have a little stump in the center of the front yard that I will occasionally sit on. It’s low enough that I feel like I’m on the ground but I’m not actually on the ground, and I don’t have to worry about bringing a blanket since well, my arms are now full of a baby I wasn’t expecting to have (stay tuned for that blog post).

The aforementioned stump.

I’ve got blackberry bushes all over my yard. They just pop up in random places. I find them when I’m barefoot, or when I have to walk across the yard in shorts, in the dark. I could clearly see that the bush on the right of the stump is a blackberry bush, so I made sure to angle my descent toward the left of the stump.

I also have free ranging goats. Translation: between the horses and goats we never have to mow. Note: a lawnmower is cheaper. I digress….

Apparently the goats like blackberry bushes too, but they must also have ADD and got distracted after they ate the bush on the left, which is why I never saw it. Until I sat on it. This very instant was like a metaphor for basically every single day of my life. I think I’ve got it all figured out and then well… nevermind… I’m not sure where I was going with this but with MY sense of humor it probably was’t appropriate.

So awesome when stuck in your butt cheek.

I managed to haul myself up but I think from now on I’ll just go get the stupid blanket to be safe.

In other news, I also decided to pack up the bassinet this weekend. Charlie has started rolling on her side and moving around more, and I have this intense fear that I’m going to wake up to a thud and find her on the floor.

New bed with my dino buddy to watch out for me.

Since her nursery isn’t finished… still… I’ve replaced the bassinet with the pack n play and so far it’s a hit with her, and I figure once she gets used to sleeping in that moving her to a crib won’t be so difficult. Except that it’s a completely different thing. In a different room. In the dark. And I’m not there right next to her. I swear, this works out perfectly in my head. I’m gonna go with that until the day arrives and then there’ll probably be a blog post that says the exact opposite happened.

I’ve also been trying to get out a walk more since I have DVT history and well, I have another 10 pounds I want to lose. Since Charlie hates her carseat, I’ve had to swap to the other attachment and try to make it sit up where she won’t lose her mind. You see how well this worked out….

I swear I fixed this right after this photo.

I laid it back some and loosened those straps. She was clearly not amused.

I’m probably not going to win any parenting awards, but it sure does make life interesting…



Dear Diary: 09-15-2019 3 mos

Dear Diary:
It has been 3,842 days since we got in this car. 👉🏻🚗👎🏻
Not really, it was just this morning, but I bet after all my screaming my mom and dad THINK it’s been 3,842 days. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This highly inappropriate @eminem playlist on @applemusic is the only thing that keeps me sane and adequately expresses my rage. 😡
Someone save me.😢
#sincerelycharliejoy .

Dear Diary: 09-14-2019 3 mos

Dear Diary:
There are moments when I look at mom and think to myself “WHAT IN GOD’ S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN EATING?” 🙅🏻‍♀️

It’s usually right before a diaper blowout. 💨💩
It was Spicy Shrimp Mei Fun in case you were wondering. 🍤🥡
Does anyone have coupons for Desitin? 👉🏼🍑🔥
Happy Saturday.
#sincerelycharliejoy .

Dear Diary: 09-10-2019 3 mos

Dear Diary:
Mom took me for a walk today.
Look at the joy in her face.

It all faded after dinner tonight.
She’s all googley eyed and smiley making weirdo faces at me, I’m all quiet and smiling back at her.
She picked me up and realized I pooped!
Did she mention she got a new dining room table?
One with the little lines in it that food and dust accumulate in?
Do you know how hard it is to get baby poop out of those lines?
My mom does.
Checkmate heifer.
#charliejoy#callsigncharlie — in Istachatta, Florida.